I still don't have a for sure diagnosis but the Doctors seem to think I have this rare thing that is the inflamation of the bladder. Kind of like endimetrosis of the bladder, instead of the uterus. The only way to prove for sure is through biopsies and I have to be having the flare up at the time to confirm.
I was scheduled for a biopsy on October 9th late in the afternoon. I had been waiting for this appointment for 3 weeks and was looking forward to finally knowing what was going on.
Being a Franciscan, I went to the Bascilca on the Feast of St. Francis, October 4, to be with my fellow Francicans and hear the amazing music sung by the choir. I had Kate and Claire with me and during the Mass. The spasms became worse and the pain was making me sweat. Before communion,I prayed. I had never asked for the pain to be taken away; only to know what was the source. I prayed and remembered how much Francis suffered and spoke some of his best preachings while dying.
I don't usually make deals knowing that it doesn't work that way but I thought I'd give it a try. Francis, Jesus, God My Father, Can I please just have a day or two with out pain? I promise I will not give up finding out what is wrong with me and follow whatever the doctors say to do.
After some wonderful fellowship down in the hall, I was leaving and several of Paul's prayer warriors (most very sweet but some are very heebie jeebie to me) caught up to me and asked if my results had come in. I explained that the test were changed to the 9th. I didn't even know they knew that I had been ill. They all wished me well and I quickly tried to escape before I had to answer more questions about my bladder. Bladders are really uncomfortable to talk about. :-)
I thought I made a swift get away when one of his prayer warriors (that actually bothers him too at times), ran up to me with holy oil and said that she wanted to annoint me. My heart felt heavy and as stiff as a rock. Kate and Claire looked up at me like I better say yes. I'm not too comfortable with annointings in the parking lot and yet alone someone I don't want touching me- touching me. (What the hell, I thought)
She held my hands and made the sign of the cross on my forhead, heart and hands. Her prayer was so heartfelt and she asked the Holy Spirit to lift my burdens. When she was done, I guess I just stood there. I was so at peace and yes still in pain but I knew something happened.
I gave her a giant hug. Not a sissy hug. A hug that sucks the breath out of one. I said, "Thank you. I love you for caring and being God's instrument." ( I did one of those shake your head things and thought-- did I really say that? Did I just hug her? Did I just give her permission for the rest of my life to hunt me down in a parking lot and annoint me?)
I went home. Paul was out of town and that night I said my night time prayers and Thanked God for the wonderful day and said I look forward to tomorrow.
I woke up the next morning pain free and didn't experience any pain until last Thursday, November 5th. A month later. Needless to say the docs weren't able to do the biopsy and won't unless this episode lasts longer than 2 weeks but I had a month of no pain.
I also learned that we don't always get to choose who is God's instrament. Humility can go a long way. I have been reduced to be humble in so many ways this school year and I think that it will be a good thing.
Thank you God for all your acts both that I readily see and those that I have to humble myself to recongnize.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Hmmm... What to say....
I love reading the therapeutic readings in all the blogs but for some reason I find when I probably need to blog the most I just can't.
I guess it comes down to the fact that I try so hard to be a happy person and when things seem tough I don't know how to express eloquently and I definitely don't want to be a whiner.
My health issues have been tremendously a pain since this summer and my surgery was a real fiasco. Nick recovered well. He was the one suppose to have complications.
I was in constant pain from August 4th to October 4th and then it stopped. Recently, last week I've had a slight set back but I know it can end this time.
My spirits are doing much better and I feel compelled to write again. That is always a good sign.
I guess it comes down to the fact that I try so hard to be a happy person and when things seem tough I don't know how to express eloquently and I definitely don't want to be a whiner.
My health issues have been tremendously a pain since this summer and my surgery was a real fiasco. Nick recovered well. He was the one suppose to have complications.
I was in constant pain from August 4th to October 4th and then it stopped. Recently, last week I've had a slight set back but I know it can end this time.
My spirits are doing much better and I feel compelled to write again. That is always a good sign.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Beer
Beer... Last night I was thinking about beer. What is it that I like about beer? What feelings are attached to beer? What is it that is pleasurable?
It's like the best of liquid bread. I love bread!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not into for the drunken stupor, I like the relaxed feel and now I can't be in charge of anyone but me feeling. The colder the better, I'd like it if they could make a beer slushie.
By now you may think is she an alcoholic? No. My last beer was .... Probably in March.
I'm on medication for diabetes so drinking beer can have side effects or not. So I really have to want the beer if I'm going to risk nausea, headache or high or low blood sugars the next day.
My favorite experience with a beer....
Four Peaks Brewery... Tempe Arizona.... about 4 years ago..... Brother-in-law and sister-in-law, husband, cool breeze, warm air, no kids.
Oatmeal Stout. Let me tell you about this Oatmeal Stout. It was served in an ice cold glass. Bubbles were floating in little streams to the top leaving a Carmel like swirl through the dark amber of the beer. The head was think and frothy -- a good old fashion root beer float. The smell is sweet and inviting. The first sip tasted like chocolate and cooled my throat. Then before you know it... I gulped the rest. I thought my brother-in-law was going to pee his pants.
20 minutes later I ordered a second one and promised I would sip it. I did. Usually, I'm a one beer kind of gal but this was an exception. After all, I didn't really get to enjoy the first one for long. That one was more like a roller coaster beer. 30 seconds of thrill you get to talk about all day. My second one was more of a romantic evening that you don't talk about to anyone.
I haven't been back to Four Peaks. Although my husband goes about once every three months. He tells me that they have a milkshake made with the oatmeal stout. I think I'll add this to my to do list.
p.s. Steph- I'll deny any comments that contradict my memory of this night.
It's like the best of liquid bread. I love bread!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not into for the drunken stupor, I like the relaxed feel and now I can't be in charge of anyone but me feeling. The colder the better, I'd like it if they could make a beer slushie.
By now you may think is she an alcoholic? No. My last beer was .... Probably in March.
I'm on medication for diabetes so drinking beer can have side effects or not. So I really have to want the beer if I'm going to risk nausea, headache or high or low blood sugars the next day.
My favorite experience with a beer....
Four Peaks Brewery... Tempe Arizona.... about 4 years ago..... Brother-in-law and sister-in-law, husband, cool breeze, warm air, no kids.
Oatmeal Stout. Let me tell you about this Oatmeal Stout. It was served in an ice cold glass. Bubbles were floating in little streams to the top leaving a Carmel like swirl through the dark amber of the beer. The head was think and frothy -- a good old fashion root beer float. The smell is sweet and inviting. The first sip tasted like chocolate and cooled my throat. Then before you know it... I gulped the rest. I thought my brother-in-law was going to pee his pants.
20 minutes later I ordered a second one and promised I would sip it. I did. Usually, I'm a one beer kind of gal but this was an exception. After all, I didn't really get to enjoy the first one for long. That one was more like a roller coaster beer. 30 seconds of thrill you get to talk about all day. My second one was more of a romantic evening that you don't talk about to anyone.
I haven't been back to Four Peaks. Although my husband goes about once every three months. He tells me that they have a milkshake made with the oatmeal stout. I think I'll add this to my to do list.
p.s. Steph- I'll deny any comments that contradict my memory of this night.
Ms. Happy Part Two
Maria and I are having a great time learning the guitar. I now have a plethera of songs. Plethera was one of my favorite vocabulary words when I was in Junior High. I haven't used it in a while.
Practice is fun. I get a little into it. Maria wanted to see the Midnight show of Transformers so I stayed in the van from 10:30 to 2:45 a.m. playing my guitar. A man a couple of cars over said he enjoyed the concert. I had no idea someone was there.
I can "play" Jambli, Love Me Do, Proud Mary, Folsum Blues, Don't Be Cruel, Jet Plane, and a few others.
I sometimes get a little carried away and add a little flare in class. Maria has been very tolerant of me. Thanks Maria.
The first class a 14 year old boy came in and said...We need a guitar? Maria I thought was going to lose it. THanks to him I can't be any more "stupider".
I'm planning on bringing Ms. Happy with me to Utah. I may even make a YouTUBE of Ms. Happy and me.
Practice is fun. I get a little into it. Maria wanted to see the Midnight show of Transformers so I stayed in the van from 10:30 to 2:45 a.m. playing my guitar. A man a couple of cars over said he enjoyed the concert. I had no idea someone was there.
I can "play" Jambli, Love Me Do, Proud Mary, Folsum Blues, Don't Be Cruel, Jet Plane, and a few others.
I sometimes get a little carried away and add a little flare in class. Maria has been very tolerant of me. Thanks Maria.
The first class a 14 year old boy came in and said...We need a guitar? Maria I thought was going to lose it. THanks to him I can't be any more "stupider".
I'm planning on bringing Ms. Happy with me to Utah. I may even make a YouTUBE of Ms. Happy and me.
Where has the time gone?
Here I am 30 days until I report back officially to work.
Yikes....
Let's see.... I started the summer thinking I was depressed when really I had a blood/ kidney infection and most likely had it the whole last month of school. I spent until June 18th in bed watching tons of great videos and reading books. You'll have to check out my shelf on shelfari. I've only added a few but will begin to add more.
I will be at Play del Ray next year teaching 4th grade unless my Mall Front Store recruiting students to Gilbert El pans out. (Seriously, A charter school here in Mesa rented a store front at the mall to recruit students. They have 60 new registrations-- I guess it works for the Armed Forces why not elementary school.)
I did get to have a lovely lunch with my book club early on in the summer. The laughs and hugs have really sustained me.
I have driven over 1300 (seriously) miles just getting my kids from here to there. ( I did get one ticket but I'm fighting it. I was over the line. I've watched the video a gazillion times. )
I worked one night at Barnes and Noble.
Last week was the first week that no one needed a ride or carpool. My brother and sister in law came up and we had a staycation. Swimming, sunsplash, pizza, chick flicks, etc.
This week is doctor appointments and house calls.
Nick unfortunately needs to have another sugery. We find out tomorrow when they can schedule it. Please pray before school. It will require 2-3 days hospitalization, 1 week at home recovery and then about another 3 weeks minimum sports etc. I told him that I think he is lucky that he gets to miss the first 3 weeks of p.e. in AZ heat. They are going to be more intrusive in this surgury. THey are going to rebuild the connection from the kidney to the bladder. His kidney still has 25% function so they feel it is still worth saving. Nick calls his kidney Tiny Tim. The other is Kermit.
I get all my test redone this week to see if I'm in the clear. I'm really feeling good and I think I'll have great results.
That's my news... Hopefully I'll get to writing soon.
Yikes....
Let's see.... I started the summer thinking I was depressed when really I had a blood/ kidney infection and most likely had it the whole last month of school. I spent until June 18th in bed watching tons of great videos and reading books. You'll have to check out my shelf on shelfari. I've only added a few but will begin to add more.
I will be at Play del Ray next year teaching 4th grade unless my Mall Front Store recruiting students to Gilbert El pans out. (Seriously, A charter school here in Mesa rented a store front at the mall to recruit students. They have 60 new registrations-- I guess it works for the Armed Forces why not elementary school.)
I did get to have a lovely lunch with my book club early on in the summer. The laughs and hugs have really sustained me.
I have driven over 1300 (seriously) miles just getting my kids from here to there. ( I did get one ticket but I'm fighting it. I was over the line. I've watched the video a gazillion times. )
I worked one night at Barnes and Noble.
Last week was the first week that no one needed a ride or carpool. My brother and sister in law came up and we had a staycation. Swimming, sunsplash, pizza, chick flicks, etc.
This week is doctor appointments and house calls.
Nick unfortunately needs to have another sugery. We find out tomorrow when they can schedule it. Please pray before school. It will require 2-3 days hospitalization, 1 week at home recovery and then about another 3 weeks minimum sports etc. I told him that I think he is lucky that he gets to miss the first 3 weeks of p.e. in AZ heat. They are going to be more intrusive in this surgury. THey are going to rebuild the connection from the kidney to the bladder. His kidney still has 25% function so they feel it is still worth saving. Nick calls his kidney Tiny Tim. The other is Kermit.
I get all my test redone this week to see if I'm in the clear. I'm really feeling good and I think I'll have great results.
That's my news... Hopefully I'll get to writing soon.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Meet Ms. Happy
I have been keeping my journal since Lent and done a pretty good job. Now that it is summer I like to start keeping up with my friend's post and post some of my own.
Wondering about Ms. Happy.... you'll have to read on....
I've been in transition depression lately. What is that? I had it my whole year of my last year at Webster Elementary School. I think others may identify. It's when you are engaged in whatever you are to be engaged in that you are wonderfully normal, productive, focused and with it. BUT... when you are in between roles, tasks, events etc. that you fall apart and get overwhelmed. Example... I wake up in the morning fine. Wake up the kids, see if anyone has needs, take care of them, get myself ready all is hunky dory then.... Time to get in the car.... time to change roles.... I'm now 1/3 mom, 1/3 teacher, 1/3 psychopath. Then when I walk into my classroom and the bell rings I'm now normal, productive, focused and with it and super teacher. BUT the bell has to ring again at sometime and then I become 1/3 teacher , 1/3 mom, 1/3 psychopath. Get home and then I'm normal again.
Unfortunately lately the transitions have been frequent and a blur. My wonderful kiddos had concert after concert, awards ceremony after award ceremony, Paul had a birthday, Girls had a girl scout honor, getting ready for confirmation/ communion, building roller coasters with the class, finishing social studies projects, dreaming up one last writing project, refusing to give sitdown and shutup sheets and movies, my heart literally on Thursday morning when I was trying to get to my daughter's promotion ceremony hurt... BUT my friend Shannon gave me a hug and I could breathe. Thanks Shannon.
My dad came to pick me up to take me to the ceremony and I couldn't talk. ME couldn't talk. Transition depression once again. Once I was in the stands I could talk, breathe, laugh, sing, visit all the parents. Once I was in the car to leave it hit again. I made it through the rest of the emotional roller coaster of a day with knowing I have wonderful friends and family. At three I took my daughter to her first boy/girl party and realized my heart stopped aching. Just as I was headed back to work my phone rang... here comes Ms. Happy. My dad said come by for five minutes I need to see you. Normally this would have started another transition depression but it felt right.
I went to Dad's house and he was singing on his guitar a Johnny Cash song and was in a sly mood I could feel it. For Mother's day and Maria's promotion he gave us the right to use his guitar for some lessons this summer. I want to learn Proud Mary, They'll know we are Christians, Peace Prayer and He's got the Whole World in His hands. When he was finished I gave him my usual standing ovation and kuddos and then he handed me the guitar. It's yours. What's this for? I just want to see you happy. It is a beautiful acoustic guitar with a different color cast. She's beautiful. I got acquainted with her for about an 1/2 an hour and then realized I was on my way back to work and then said who cares. Then I remembered Zipps and friends were waiting. I zipped over to Zipps. Earned about 100 mingle points then sat back and enjoyed watching everyone. I went to get Maria and then headed back to my new guitar.
Her name Ms. Happy.
I learned one song last night and woke up this morning to play it rather well still. Lessons begin on Wednesday and Dad says I'm not to learn anymore or I might have to undo too much of self teaching.
I'm in huge unknown transition right now about where I'll teach next year but yesterday was the first day that I didn't feel my heart hurt. I think I know that wherever or whatever I'm doing I'll be OK. I always am. I just got to let go of the visualization that I usually obsess about. I'll focus on Ms. Happy and lessons, my new keyboard and lesson, and my vacation in Utah in July. Of course, I have a new job as chauffeur for the summer as well, but I kinda like that it involves my wonderful children.
Wondering about Ms. Happy.... you'll have to read on....
I've been in transition depression lately. What is that? I had it my whole year of my last year at Webster Elementary School. I think others may identify. It's when you are engaged in whatever you are to be engaged in that you are wonderfully normal, productive, focused and with it. BUT... when you are in between roles, tasks, events etc. that you fall apart and get overwhelmed. Example... I wake up in the morning fine. Wake up the kids, see if anyone has needs, take care of them, get myself ready all is hunky dory then.... Time to get in the car.... time to change roles.... I'm now 1/3 mom, 1/3 teacher, 1/3 psychopath. Then when I walk into my classroom and the bell rings I'm now normal, productive, focused and with it and super teacher. BUT the bell has to ring again at sometime and then I become 1/3 teacher , 1/3 mom, 1/3 psychopath. Get home and then I'm normal again.
Unfortunately lately the transitions have been frequent and a blur. My wonderful kiddos had concert after concert, awards ceremony after award ceremony, Paul had a birthday, Girls had a girl scout honor, getting ready for confirmation/ communion, building roller coasters with the class, finishing social studies projects, dreaming up one last writing project, refusing to give sitdown and shutup sheets and movies, my heart literally on Thursday morning when I was trying to get to my daughter's promotion ceremony hurt... BUT my friend Shannon gave me a hug and I could breathe. Thanks Shannon.
My dad came to pick me up to take me to the ceremony and I couldn't talk. ME couldn't talk. Transition depression once again. Once I was in the stands I could talk, breathe, laugh, sing, visit all the parents. Once I was in the car to leave it hit again. I made it through the rest of the emotional roller coaster of a day with knowing I have wonderful friends and family. At three I took my daughter to her first boy/girl party and realized my heart stopped aching. Just as I was headed back to work my phone rang... here comes Ms. Happy. My dad said come by for five minutes I need to see you. Normally this would have started another transition depression but it felt right.
I went to Dad's house and he was singing on his guitar a Johnny Cash song and was in a sly mood I could feel it. For Mother's day and Maria's promotion he gave us the right to use his guitar for some lessons this summer. I want to learn Proud Mary, They'll know we are Christians, Peace Prayer and He's got the Whole World in His hands. When he was finished I gave him my usual standing ovation and kuddos and then he handed me the guitar. It's yours. What's this for? I just want to see you happy. It is a beautiful acoustic guitar with a different color cast. She's beautiful. I got acquainted with her for about an 1/2 an hour and then realized I was on my way back to work and then said who cares. Then I remembered Zipps and friends were waiting. I zipped over to Zipps. Earned about 100 mingle points then sat back and enjoyed watching everyone. I went to get Maria and then headed back to my new guitar.
Her name Ms. Happy.
I learned one song last night and woke up this morning to play it rather well still. Lessons begin on Wednesday and Dad says I'm not to learn anymore or I might have to undo too much of self teaching.
I'm in huge unknown transition right now about where I'll teach next year but yesterday was the first day that I didn't feel my heart hurt. I think I know that wherever or whatever I'm doing I'll be OK. I always am. I just got to let go of the visualization that I usually obsess about. I'll focus on Ms. Happy and lessons, my new keyboard and lesson, and my vacation in Utah in July. Of course, I have a new job as chauffeur for the summer as well, but I kinda like that it involves my wonderful children.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Lent- Crosses to carry, time to reflect
For Lent I have been keeping a journal at hand and writing about anything in it. It has been interesting. My friend Jan carries a journal and it is full of lists and I find that I have been adding lists, blood sugar checks and many other interesting things. I have also been exercising everyday. 15+ minute walk or a Wii Fit session. I love Wii Fit. I have a group of people that cheer me on and I can handle the short segments that you choose to do. I find I'm going longer and longer each day. Because I have been writing so much in my journal I have been neglecting my blog. I miss it. I haven't been good at keeping up on everybodies blogs as well. Tonight I sat down and starting reading. Boy did I miss you all. I feel like I just got back from the vacation that I wanted full of family and friends and tons of emotions both high and low.
I have a list of many entries that someday will make it to the blog (or not)
For a time- Lent, when I reflect on carrying Jesus' cross I feel pretty good. I guess I know the Good News that the cross was carried for each of us and every now and then He gives me the privledge to help Him and others.
Friends, I love you and thank you for the times you have helped carry my cross and I only hope that at times I have been there to help carry yours. In the future I hope that I will have the privledge to help again.
I have a list of many entries that someday will make it to the blog (or not)
For a time- Lent, when I reflect on carrying Jesus' cross I feel pretty good. I guess I know the Good News that the cross was carried for each of us and every now and then He gives me the privledge to help Him and others.
Friends, I love you and thank you for the times you have helped carry my cross and I only hope that at times I have been there to help carry yours. In the future I hope that I will have the privledge to help again.
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